LIFESTYLE

In an often-quoted study by the Sunday Times of London, of 3,000 respondents 41 percent said public speaking was their greatest fear, making it No. 1 on the list; 19 percent said death.

I envy my husband. He’s the most charming and charismatic person I know. Able to easily navigate any social situation and come out on top, he is virtually immune to embarrassment. We all know someone like that. And then you’ve got people like me—the poster child for self-consciousness. I’ve been shy since childhood. Before any meeting or event, no matter how insignificant, you’ll find me worrying about everything from my breath to my brains. Do I sound intelligent enough? Do I smell good? Does this outfit make me look fat/frumpy/slutty/stuffy/unprofessional? Afterward, I’ll ruminate for days on words I might’ve pronounced incorrectly, my choice of wardrobe, things I should have said but didn’t, and rake myself over the coals for not being witty enough, pretty enough, or any number of any other faults—real or perceived. Over the years, I’ve become decent at feigning confidence, but why should I have to fake anything? I want real confidence, which is why writing this article has proven to be a valuable learning experience.

If you’re like me, you’re not alone; according to the California Institute of Technology Counseling Center, the most recent research suggests that close to 50 percent of the population reports that they currently experience some degree of shyness, and up to 80 percent report feeling shy at times, even if they don’t all the time. Even one of the world’s foremost experts on shyness, Bernardo Carducci (renowned author and director of the Indiana University Southeast Shyness Research Institute) admits to having struggled with the problem himself.

Shyness, or self-consciousness, causes you to perform below your capability, second-guess your every word and action, and keep you from being truly you. In the Real Estate industry, where your “people skills” and social networking abilities are of utmost importance, it can be more than an annoyance; it can be detrimental to your success. And unless you’re obviously shy—blushing, stammering, fidgeting shy—it’s easy for people to draw the wrong conclusions about you. They may mistake you as arrogant or aloof, qualities that aren’t exactly endearing. If you’re in Real Estate you probably aren’t one of those painfully obvious self-conscious types, so it’s especially important to ensure that people aren’t getting the wrong impression from your behavior. Here are some tips to help:

Visualize success
If you’re nervous about an upcoming meeting or event, take a few minutes to imagine it in detail; now picture yourself pulling it off smoothly, just the way you want it to go. Visualization techniques can help you believe that things will work out—and, more often than not, they actually will.

Shift your focus
In the first few moments of meeting someone, you’re wondering what the other person is thinking of you, which tends to kick self-consciousness into overdrive. Replace that worry by noting the color of the other person’s eyes, their hair, the pattern on their tie, and then genuinely listen when they speak. By shifting the focus to them, you won’t be as worried about what they think of you.

They’re not so different
It can be intimidating to speak to someone whom you perceive to be more experienced, more successful, smarter, or whatever. But remember that no matter who it is, they’re only human. That person has surely had his or her share of awkward, embarrassing moments and insecurities—hasn’t everyone? Even the President of the United States has his own personal quirks, flaws, and shortcomings. When it comes down to it, we’re basically all the same, which may help you to feel less intimidated.

Replace the negative
It doesn’t help that many of us self-conscious people are “mental Eeyores”—we tend to self-sabotage before we even get started with a situation. Next time, instead of saying to yourself, “I don’t want to do this because I’ll probably blow it,” or “So-and-so will surely look down on me because of my (fill in the blank),” replace the negative thoughts with positive affirmations. Think how well the event is going to go, and how much you’re going to enjoy meeting new people.

Keep a mental “cheat sheet”
Before you step into any social situation, familiarize yourself with a mental list of general topics, such as the weather or current events. That way you’ll always have a topic to fall back on, and you won’t find yourself floundering awkwardly for things to talk about.

Effort over outcome
Don’t define your success or failure by the way others relate to you. If you do your best to strike up a conversation and the other person just isn’t talking, it’s easy to perceive it as a failure on your part. Really though, a successful interaction involves two parties, not just you; if the other person is feeling grumpy or has had a bad day, they’re not going to be as responsive. But that’s not your fault; don’t let it discourage you. Taking it personally is only going to hinder your progress. Reward yourself for the effort rather than the outcome.

Step outside the zone
Even if you think of yourself as just a little bit shy or self-conscious, chances are you have a “comfort zone” and tend to stick to the same activities, places, and people because they’re what you know. Take active steps to go beyond that zone. The more you do it, the easier it will be to move on to bigger steps. Volunteering is a good way to do that, explains Bernardo Carducci in an interview with LiveScience. “When you volunteer, people don't really care about your level of skill, they're just after your time, so there's no critical self-evaluation.”

Self-consciousness doesn’t have to dictate your life. Stand up straight, put on a smile, and show the world how confident you can be.